www.uvamindfulnesscenter.org–resources–audioresources<\/a> ). For me, an informal kindness practice has also developed over the years, almost without my knowing. The practice has become reflexive and arises on its own during the day. It helps offset aversion and sweetens life in a deep and intimate way. It involves using an endearment in internal conversation. It goes like this:<\/p>\nSelect an endearment that appeals to you, like \u201cfriend,\u201d \u201cdarling,\u201d \u201cbuddy,\u201d \u201choney,\u201d etc. Then use it in your internal conversation when you are stressed. You have computer problems? Rather than cursing at your computer, why not silently use an endearment: \u201cAll right, friend (or honey, etc.), we\u2019re going to work this one out.\u201d You may or may not work it out, but using an endearment will reduce the stress you are experiencing. It will brighten your day.<\/p>\n
When you\u2019re sitting in a traffic snarl and are late for a meeting, rather than drumming your fingers on the steering wheel and repeatedly checking the clock to see how late you are, you might say to the situation, \u201cAll right, buddy (etc.), we can go any time now.\u201d Then relax into your breath. You can\u2019t hurry the traffic, but, by accepting the<\/p>\n
situation with kindness, you can reduce your stress level. You\u2019ll arrive at the meeting in a more relaxed frame of mind.<\/p>\n
The practice is powerful in situations involving interpersonal conflict. When someone has made a statement with which you disagree or has repeated the same point at mind-numbing length, you can notice your opposition and silently think, \u201cYou\u2019re wrong, buddy\u201d or \u201cYou\u2019ve already said that ten times. I\u2019ve heard you, honey.\u201d \u00a0You are freer to respond skillfully because it is hard to snap at someone after you have called them \u201choney\u201d in internal conversation.<\/p>\n
Most of all, using an endearment toward yourself is important. You can\u2019t \u201cdarling\u201d yourself too often. Notice the times when you are harsh and unforgiving toward yourself, perhaps criticizing a mistake not once but repeatedly, maybe over weeks, or where you are unable to accept praise because you think you don\u2019t deserve it, where instead of saying \u201cthank you,\u201d you demur and say \u201cOh, no, it was really nothing.\u201d That\u2019s the place to use your endearment: \u201cAll right, sweetheart, it was a mistake. I\u2019ll try to do better next time.\u201d Or, \u201cDarling, I am worth it. I did do a good job.\u201d<\/p>\n
Thinking is not required in this practice. There is no need for an existential investigation:<\/u> \u201cDo I really<\/em> want to call my computer or that x!@ x#! or myself \u2018darling\u2019?\u201d Simply do it. Be kind. You might want to consider: When on your deathbed, do you want your last conscious thoughts to be a curse or an endearment, aversion or kindness? We can\u2019t know for sure, but it is important to practice kindness now. As I said, the practice becomes natural and reflexive. You are gentling yourself by bringing kindness and open-heartedness into your life in the dicey moments when you have closed down.<\/p>\nOf course, there may be times when one can\u2019t manage to link a person or situation and an endearment in the same thought. Notice these, and bring an endearment to yourself for your inability: \u201cIt\u2019s okay, buddy, I\u2019ll try to do it next time.\u201d The places where you are resistant are places you need to do internal work. It helps to remember that the Dalai Lama, whose religion is kindness, calls the Chinese, who have occupied his homeland, \u201cmy friends, the enemy.\u201d If he can do it, we can, too.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
The more we practice mindfulness\u2014which means being present in the present moment without judgment\u2014the more we realize something additional is needed: kindness. In fact, mindfulness and kindness are like two wings of a bird. Without kindness, our presence in the moment may be shadowed by a subtle aversion. We accept, but not really.\u00a0 We try […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-881","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-monthly-musings"],"acf":false,"yoast_head":"\n
Kindness Practice: Using an Endearment in Internal Conversation - Mindfulness Matters<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/news.med.virginia.edu\/mindfulness\/2015\/11\/30\/kindness-practice-using-an-endearment-in-internal-conversation\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Kindness Practice: Using an Endearment in Internal Conversation - Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The more we practice mindfulness\u2014which means being present in the present moment without judgment\u2014the more we realize something additional is needed: kindness. In fact, mindfulness and kindness are like two wings of a bird. Without kindness, our presence in the moment may be shadowed by a subtle aversion. 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