{"id":1971,"date":"2019-10-28T07:41:56","date_gmt":"2019-10-28T12:41:56","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/news.med.virginia.edu\/mindfulness\/?p=1971"},"modified":"2019-10-28T14:29:22","modified_gmt":"2019-10-28T19:29:22","slug":"untying-knots","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/news.med.virginia.edu\/mindfulness\/2019\/10\/28\/untying-knots\/","title":{"rendered":"Untying Knots"},"content":{"rendered":"

By John Schorling<\/p>\n

All of us have certain things that tend to trigger strong emotional reactions like anger.\u00a0 When they occur, we often externalize their causes.\u00a0 If feeling a lack of respect from others is a trigger, we can be quick to rationalize our reaction as being justified because other people \u201cshould\u201d be respectful.\u00a0 If we just feel that respect for others is a desirable but not necessary quality, we might note its absence, yet might not be triggered by it.\u00a0 Someone else might not be angered by lack of respect, but would be by perceiving someone else as lazy.<\/p>\n

These strong reactions often feel natural and justified, and we may not question them.\u00a0 They are our reality, like the water in this David Foster Wallace story: \u201cThere are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says \u2018Morning boys. How\u2019s the water?\u2019\u00a0 And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes \u2018What the hell is water?\u2019… The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about.\u201d https:\/\/web.ics.purdue.edu\/~drkelly\/DFWKenyonAddress2005.pdf<\/a><\/p>\n

If we don\u2019t investigate them, all our beliefs about the way things should be can be like water is for these fish. Yet when we do pause to notice our reactions, we can often begin to see patterns, such as observing, \u201cOh, when I perceive a lack of respect, I notice I feel anger\u201d. \u00a0If we\u2019re curious, we might use the RAINS <\/strong>practice that was the subject of a recent Monthly Musing to explore this further as a mindfulness exercise (https:\/\/news.med.virginia.edu\/mindfulness\/2019\/05\/23\/dealing-with-difficult-emotions-using-rains\/<\/a>) .<\/p>\n

We can start with sitting meditation, grounding ourselves in the body.\u00a0 We can then bring to mind a situation that resulted in the emotion we are curious about.\u00a0 We can Recognize<\/strong> the emotion, perhaps naming it: \u201cthis is anger\u201d or \u201cthis is disappointment\u201d.\u00a0 It may not be obvious what the emotion is, and if so that\u2019s fine. We can still just Allow <\/strong>it to be, without judging it or needing to fix it or make it go away.\u00a0 If this is too difficult, then directing the attention elsewhere is fine, back to the breath or perhaps the feet or hands.\u00a0 If we are able to be with the emotion, then we can Investigate<\/strong> it, noticing where we feel it in the body, and the characteristics of the associated sensations.<\/p>\n

It is also possible to investigate further the source of the pattern we\u2019ve noticed, and ask ourselves \u201cwhen do I first remember feeling this way?\u201d\u00a0 This can be a very powerful inquiry as it often takes us back to an event in childhood. Although there are other potential sources, these tightly held beliefs about the way things should be that trigger strong emotions often arise within our families of origin.\u00a0 If this is the case, noticing this, is a reaction that was learned a long time ago and has been conditioned over years of experience, can help with Not identifying<\/strong> with it, the N of RAINS.\u00a0 It may be useful to acknowledge this by saying to ourselves \u201cnot me\u201d or \u201cnot mine\u201d.<\/p>\n

Being with difficult emotions is hard, and practicing Self-compassion<\/strong> can be very helpful.\u00a0 If the pattern we\u2019ve encountered is one we would prefer to let go of, we can acknowledge this with kindness. We can practice this by responding to ourselves as we would a friend, with warmth and caring. This is often the key to untying these knots that underlie all the shoulds in our lives.\u00a0 Can we be with what is arising with compassion, noting that this way of reacting was almost certainly adaptive when we learned it (it probably allowed us to get through difficult situations at the time)?\u00a0 However, it may now have outlived its usefulness and letting it go might be the most skillful thing we can do.\u00a0 Often this doesn\u2019t happen right away.\u00a0 The same pattern may persist, although perhaps a little less intensely.\u00a0 Just like a very tightly tied knot, it can take a while (sometimes years so lots patience and self-kindness may be necessary) to loosen it before it can be completely undone.<\/p>\n

In my own experience, I came to understand that the feelings of anger and abandonment I felt in certain situations were a consequence of how I learned to deal with my father\u2019s death when I was young. It took some time to recognize these emotions, as I first tried out less strong labels (feeling not important rather than abandoned, and not even acknowledging anger).\u00a0 Allowing them to be was challenging, and required visualizing holding them in a space larger then myself.\u00a0 When I investigated the accompanying physical sensations, I felt quite intense discomfort, like a bad stomach ache.\u00a0 When I asked myself when I had first felt these emotions, the answer was immediately clear. I was then able to accept that these feelings arose out of my circumstances and did not define me. Once I did this, I was able to gradually let them go, but only after I was able to accept the kindness others felt for me and that I felt for myself.<\/p>\n

This process can be quite challenging and, in my experience, eventually can be even more rewarding.\u00a0 It\u2019s important to note that help from a meditation teacher or therapist may be needed if the source of the difficult emotions is so traumatic that it is too intense to tolerate.\u00a0 If this is the case, the most compassionate thing we might do for ourselves is to ask for guidance.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

All of us have certain things that tend to trigger strong emotional reactions like anger.\u00a0 When they occur, we often externalize their causes.\u00a0 If feeling a lack of respect from others is a trigger, we can be quick to rationalize our reaction as being justified because other people \u201cshould\u201d be respectful.\u00a0 If we just feel that respect for others is a desirable but not necessary quality, we might note its absence, yet might not be triggered by it.\u00a0 Someone else might not be angered by lack of respect, but would be by perceiving someone else as lazy.<\/p>\n

These strong reactions often feel natural and justified, and we may not question them.\u00a0 They are our reality, like the water in this David Foster Wallace story: \u201cThere are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says \u2018Morning boys. How\u2019s the water?\u2019\u00a0 And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes \u2018What the hell is water?\u2019… <\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1202,"featured_media":1936,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":"","_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1971","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-monthly-musings"],"acf":false,"yoast_head":"\nUntying Knots - Mindfulness Matters<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/news.med.virginia.edu\/mindfulness\/2019\/10\/28\/untying-knots\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Untying Knots - Mindfulness Matters\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"All of us have certain things that tend to trigger strong emotional reactions like anger.\u00a0 When they occur, we often externalize their causes.\u00a0 If feeling a lack of respect from others is a trigger, we can be quick to rationalize our reaction as being justified because other people \u201cshould\u201d be respectful.\u00a0 If we just feel that respect for others is a desirable but not necessary quality, we might note its absence, yet might not be triggered by it.\u00a0 Someone else might not be angered by lack of respect, but would be by perceiving someone else as lazy. These strong reactions often feel natural and justified, and we may not question them.\u00a0 They are our reality, like the water in this David Foster Wallace story: \u201cThere are these two young fish swimming along and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says \u2018Morning boys. 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